Zzzz...

I'm sleeping most of the time. Still haven't collected any stuff from mum's house as just too tired, so my project is on hold!
I'm trying to stay positive, upbeat etc. but every once in a while something catches me unawares, depression rears it's head and it feels like my heart has been ripped out, and i don't know why, i'm just suddenly so sad all i can do is curl up to cry.
strange.

Flat.

That's just one word to describe how I'm feeling right now.
I'm tired of being tired. And tired of not being able to walk from one room to another without a rest to get my breath back, and tired of my whole body hurting the whole time, and tired of the effort I have to make to do the things that my friends don't even think about, let alone actually have fun or achieve things.

I can't breathe or move or think
I just want a 10 minute break

10 minutes to sit without having to concentrate on breathing, or 10 minutes to shower without it leaving me so tired I can't get dry or dressed.
...would be nice.

Worth It?

The days are passing in a haze of pain and sleeplessness
I've felt worse with the drugs for longer than usual
I detest this place
The sterile smells and lonely room.
I feel like maybe all this isn't worth it. I want to stop.
I wonder what it would be like to just let nature take its course, leave all the chemicals and treatments and exhaustion of having to try so damn hard every day.
I wonder how long I would last?
and then I feel guilty.
SO so guilty.
So many of us are fighting to survive, wishing and praying on new lungs and a new life, and here I am wanting to give up and give in.
I dont think I really deserve much of this help, the money spent on my treatments, medicines, nurses, doctors, room and food.
Im just wasting the oxygen around me. Breathing it in, and using it up when others of you deserve it so much more, WANT it so much more... Im so sorry :S

Exhausted

This tiredness is taking over.
I went into town today to get a foot scrubber thingy since my tattoo is tomorrow and I dont want to have manky feet! Wasn't out for long at all and didnt exactly walk far but after having to stand on the bus home and then walk from the bus stop, I was in tears from tiredness by the time I got home. Couldnt breathe or think or move. After what should have been a FIVE FUCKING MINUTE WALK - took me almost 25 minutes by the way. My head is pounding and it feels like a giant is squishing me round the chest. But I don't want to go into hospital, it sounds stupid and i know it's needed... but i really feel i'd rather just get more ill than go in, be alone and have no visitors or food, have to do sodding physio in front of people, have everyone talk to me as if I'm 10 years old...
and i dont trust the nurses at all they only wear gloves probably half the time and ive lost count of the number of occasions I've been given the wrong drugs or wrong doses! I could do better myself if the freakin drugs didnt make me sleep 20 hours a day leaving me unable to actually get up every 6 hours and mix and administer the bastards.
Not really sure what to do?
Sorry for another moany post.



Here's some pictures of what i got today - dress on sale in Oasis £9.00 down from £35, which I've wanted for ages!

It's a bit boring and straight up-and-down when on (except for the extremely obvious belly bloat, eugh) so im gonna try and change it up a bit, somehow.

And I got given such a pretty bag :)

(sitting on my pretty bed. i love my bedroom at dads <3 yay)

And also spent some of my makeup voucher from Xmas, the cream eyeshadow is a lot darker than the photo, like a dusky/bronzey pink, i love it! and that there is a gold eyeliner. Usually my makeup routine consists of moisturiser, lip balm and lots of eyeliner but Ive been getting really into doing different stuff with it recently!


Hope all of you are well... Much love xx