The days are passing in a haze of pain and sleeplessness
I've felt worse with the drugs for longer than usual
I detest this place
The sterile smells and lonely room.
I feel like maybe all this isn't worth it. I want to stop.
I wonder what it would be like to just let nature take its course, leave all the chemicals and treatments and exhaustion of having to try so damn hard every day.
I wonder how long I would last?
and then I feel guilty.
SO so guilty.
So many of us are fighting to survive, wishing and praying on new lungs and a new life, and here I am wanting to give up and give in.
I dont think I really deserve much of this help, the money spent on my treatments, medicines, nurses, doctors, room and food.
Im just wasting the oxygen around me. Breathing it in, and using it up when others of you deserve it so much more, WANT it so much more... Im so sorry :S
Lauren, you absolutely deserve all of those things!
ReplyDeleteI know it's hard when things are grim, but you are as worthy of these things as everybody else. Please don't give up.
I love that you're so honest in how you feel, and that's what the blog is for, and we're here to accept what you say and offer support when we can. I wish there were other ways for me to support people, but this damned CF is so restrictive!
Keep your chin up little love, it'll get better xxxx *hugs*
hey thanks ruth...feeling slightly brighter now... i dont know im so up and down the last few weeks i feel insane!!
ReplyDeletethe blog is the only place i feel like i can be honest, its scary but at least its fairly anonymous if you know what i mean. well now my two best friends have the link and it feels hard to write stuff like this. but i need it. and maybe it is a good thing that they might see thsi side of things??
Hope youre good ruth xxxx
I think it is a good thing. I freaked out when I found out my dad was reading my blog, but to be honest, he's been really good about it and it's quite nice. Hopefully your friends will be understanding about how you feel and will support you all the way :)
ReplyDeleteit's always good to vent chick, don't stop doing it xx
You definitley deserve it! Sorry you were having a low moment :( Can't really think of much else to say but want you to know I AM here.
ReplyDelete*hugs* feel better sweet Xx
Lauren you totally deserve everything!! I love how you're so honest! We're all here to support you and help you. It's normal to have good days and bad days and hospitals give you far too much time to think! It's good to get those feelings out there! Keep fighting girly! You can do it! You know where I am :) Massive hugs! xxxx
ReplyDeletei love that you have let me into this side of your life bear. By reading, i feel like i can know you so much better, what it's like, what you're going through. i just want you to keep on hopping and kicking for as long as nature allows it. you are a frog, don't get squished by this moment in time, there will be happier times to come where we can all hop about, laugh and be large on small towels xxxx love you always. can't wait to see you when you get out of that place!!! im always thinking about you, xxxxxx
ReplyDeleteEveryone has there moments where we want to just give in. That happened to me a few times after my transplant. I hope you can find the hope that there is worth to it.
ReplyDeleteYou are worthy of everything and more xx
ReplyDelete