Chemical Explosion Waiting to Happen

I'm not going to bore you with my medical journey of the last 8 weeks or so... mainly because I just can't remember most of it! But I was just going through my meds in my head, and aside from all the usuals; vitamins, stomach/bone/liver stuff etc, the list of antibiotics i'm on seems ridiculous!

• Azithromycin tabs
• Minocycline tabs
• Cipro tabs
• Chloramphenicol tabs (this one even sounds dangerous to me!)
• Temocillin IVs
• Tobramycin IVs
• Meropenem IVs
• Colomycin nebs
• Tobramycin nebs

And I've been wondering why my poor tum is acting up even more than its usual? Im a ticking friggin timebomb. Guessing there are serious casualties on the "friendly gut bacteria" front. Pity my chest is getting worse all the time! I'm on oxygen overnight now (the damn machine makes my room a sauna) but still feel heavy and have splitting headaches, I've been on IVs almost without a break for months... Its so tiring. Im wondering whether there is any point when i still seem to be deteriorating? It's not like im getting any time to do any more than take meds, do treatments, and every now and then manage a sleep or snack. The chloramphenicol is a last resort from what the docs said, anyone else got any experience with it? It makes my mouth/nose/chest gunk taste like a bastard along with a hundred other shitty side effects. Im thouroughly fed up by the way.

:)

ha.

Anyway I managed to get my memory card photos onto my laptop so maybe i'll treat you to a few.

...Or maybe not?!
can anyone help me on why I'm not being allowed to copy and paste text from one internet window to another? ie. from photobucket to blogger? It happened when i tried to post something earlier but i assumed it was a problem with the other site, apparently not. I highlight and copy, but paste is just not an option when i go over to the blogger window! help? :S

ahh. here we go...

My First cupcake exploration with Jordanna, back in September!

the big pinks and whites were vanilla and the lil flat ones in the back there were out of a tom and jerry pack, strawberry sponge, yum... :S

Me at Mumma bear and Paul's wedding :)

lookin skinny fingers, and slightly swollen in the face but the rule was no photos of the knees down as my calves were like bulging jellies and wouldnt go into tights, shoes, etc!


Disney Land Paris

we 3 siblings onnnn Its a Small World i think? fun but a real show made of being lifted into th eboat for me so i felt like the spectacle heh.


and everyone but me stocking up on energy supplies (fries and hotdogs)

Calmer...to a degree.

Thank you so much to those of you who commented on my last post. Sometimes it's just knowing that people are out there that can stop you from giving up and giving in completely, and you were all lovely. Thank you.

I'm a little calmer today... at least until I let myself think.
Actually, this evening breathing is slightly easier, and I'm so happy about that. I'm still struggling with the thought that I might be stuck fighting to breathe for any longer...to be honest when I woke up this morning and realised that I was still here and still having trouble, I had some very dark thoughts indeed.
But the little things, as always, have helped: Dad arrived this morning bearing gifts of Ribena and dvds. I am now the proud owner of a platinum edition Disney DVD of 101 Dalmations :) It's funny, plonk me in front of a Disney selection and 101 Dalmations would have been low on my list to pick, but I've watched it twice this afternoon and really enjoyed it- made me want to get a dalmatian doggy and call her Perdita.


When I was watching it, the computer went a bit crazy...one of the many programs that popped up was a webcam program. Now, I hadn't even noticed that this laptop HAD a built-in webcam (observant, yes), or i would have taken a photo a few days ago to give you all a laugh at my hamster chops/moon face! But all the same, I thought I'd give you all a (not-so-)flattering peek into my world.

(the face is still slightly puffy)
My teddy is called Honey, he has been with me since one of my first visits to this hospital. We spotted an army of him in various sizes sitting in Smiths on the way in, and when I came round from my colonoscopy (fun!) he was sitting by my bed. Seven or eight years makes him quite a loyal friend i think, don't you? Especially considering all the tears he's dried! :)

Lastly a (hugely inadequate) thankyou to Victoria and Clare, both of whom I received packages from this week. Tori sent cupcakes and a cute soft toy dog, and Clare sent a box of special-ness that made me smile all day. It was super thoughtful. I'm so proud to call such lovely and generous people my friends. A lot of love to you two! ♥

Inked

So today was the day!
I now have my first tattoo. Might be kinda cliche, but it's what I wanted, and kinda needed, so there we go.
Pain - a LOT worse than I expected, though worth it. I was counting on the theory that it feels like "scratching a sunburn", well it was more like he was slowly cutting my foot in half with a razor blade :O
And well to be honest there are some things I'm not so happy about with it, it's slightly wonky in one place and now that I look at it, it seems obvious that when i asked him to put the words in a different order, swapping hope and courage, he just moved the words about but didnt actually change the design so it doesnt flow as well as it should, REALLY nto happy about that! Hopefully it's not too obvious though. And as I said, I'm putting it up to life experience. I'm happy I got it (and very grateful to Jordanna for being my hand to squeeze!)...


Photo time :D






My personal favourite photo face!





End result, tattoo by James at Skin Scene, Jersey. 1hour:



Everyone, including me, seems to be getting unwell at the moment, thinking of you all!
XX

Some Pictures and Things...

So... things still aren't great.
But I've been very busy this week! Unfortunately not very social, still a hermit!
But Ive been to the dentist - and dear me was it horrific! I was meant to be getting the toothypegs whitened! As they are something I am really concious of like my bloated belly. But I ended up have instead: FIFTEEN (15!!) injections in my poor gummies!! 4 fillings and 5 enamel replacements! Damn you fruit addiction, you wreak havoc on my enamel :(
But at least that's all sorted now.
After the dentist - and a good hour of walking around town, covering my mouth if i had to speak to anyone since i noticed i looked like i had super-gravity on my face - it was time for the hairdressers and I went to a different place than normal as they had an offer of free colour with any cut and blowdry, obviously with a junior but it still went pretty well! I have gone a few shades darker, not quite to the black i used to have but a dark brown... The only thing was the girl was really messy and my hairline and ears are very stained! :( And also, I'm pretty sure once it fades (i only got a semi-permanent tint this time) its going to be red-ish which i asked the, to make sure it wouldnt, but it does seem to have red tones in.
Oh, and about 5 minutes into the appointment the girl asked me how old i was, and literally spent the entire time after that exclaiming "Thats crazy! you look about 13, 14 at most! I dont believe you! You are NOT 18! you know i would still colour your hair if you were under 18, you dont have to lie!" etcetc... I was imagining giving her a good smack! I dont mind a quick word of surprise but this was literally a constant hour and a half of saying i looked like I was in year 8 or 9, I got so pissed off. And the thing was she was only 19 herself, surely she would have realised that I probably wouldnt be comfortable with it? In the end i said a few times "ohh, yeah, i hate it, people always go on about it..." quite pointedly, but she still didnt get the hint. Grr!

So here is the new look... Plus my i <3 zombies tshirt :D love it




And... next change...



Ouch! I *hope* this kinda suits me. But it's what i wanted, well actually I wanted my lip done and have since I was 13 (stupidly did it myself at 15 only to have mother force it out a day later), but my teeth are such a mess already i dont want to risk them being damaged at all more! So my little (well, quite big lol) blue sparkly is now settling into my nose. It freakin hurt for an hour afterwards but now i cant feel a thing!! :D though the hook inside is HEE-UGE and so noticeable from the slightest angle! But 6-8 weeks and i can get something a little more discreet :)


Oh, and a picture or two from the last week or two. Enjoy XX


^ My new owl doorstop :D i love owls! Isn't he cute? He needs a name though. Suggestions on a postcard please...



a genuine Jersey cow <3

Late Sunday photos.

On Friday I had a looong chatty lunch at a beach cafe called the Hungry Man at a little bay called Rozel with one of my bestest friends India.
It was pretty :)



i want to buy a boat and sail away.


Last night I managed 45 mins at a Glitter themed party, I wore a plain black dress with glittery tights and eye makeup...i own no sequinned or glittery clothes...
But i was in agony with my bones and couldnt hack it, so another let down of a night!
But here's me and the birthday girl :)

On the upside, I managed to put on falsh eyelashes for the first time ever :O
lol
They were pre-glued which i think helped, stickier than usual glue!


I dont think i can say much else right now. Things are pretty damn shit and im struggling! A Lot!
Im lonely and feel ill, and my family is so fucked up, and im so stuck and confused with money and home, and i feel ugly and just so low, i dont want any of it any more, i cant cope.
any suggestions?!
:S

Hope everyone else is getting on okay.
XX

I take it back-

My Feet Are Fucking Killing Me!!
Arghh!

ohhh haha this is not cool. oh well i had fun :)

To be honest by the time i got to the party I wasnt expecting to have fun at all, and it ended up being in her garage and it was freezing! Although looked pretty cool cos her dad had put up loads of UV lights and projectors with cool stuff :O
I was wearing my army boots at this point may I add.
Basically me and two other girls were sitting on the side of things and not really fitting in, plus we were tired, so we ended up leaving around half 9, and Daisy drove is in Vanessa, her awesome new but old van :)
They were just going to drop me home but somehow I ended up finding out that my best friends were all heading into town at that point to I got dropped at Wildfire...first time Ive been into town, used my ID etc! exciting stuff.
When i was putting on more make-up in the loos the girlsw realised i had my heels in my bag and made me put them on! Which i am quite happy about cos I was still short. Had a couple of cider and blacks bought for me, then moved onto Champions whicdh closed really early and then Chambers where I got bought more drinks which is always fun :)
Because people hadnt seen me for so long they were all like :O IM BUYING FOR YOU! haha
Was planning on getting a taxi home with India at closing around 2 but starting lagging around half 12 and dad ended up coming to get me.
And it was actually really nice!
But fuck me im already paying for it now, for some reason my chest is really tight and im breathless like mad though of course it wasnt smoky. Towards the end i was coughing quite a scum cough which of course attracted lots of attention :/

But yeah. enjoyment.

meds and bed now, i usually sleep from 3am-1pm anyway so who knows when i'll manage to get myself outta bed tomorrow!be some pictures.
i'll try :)
much love.











Just chilling with Two and a Half Men and Fizzy Fish sweeties :)

Shocker:

I think I'm actually going out tonight. To an actual party. Last time I went out properly was August 2009, since then I've only managed a sober hour wherever I went.
I'm excited :):)
don't know if I'll be drinking and don't know how long I'll last but it's a start :)
My dress for tonight...
With boots,


With flats,




and with my PARTY shoes ;) ha i love these beasts, they make me a least a little taller than my usual 4 foot 11, though it doesnt really help when all the other girls are wearing heels too! But they are SO comfy, I think its the platform, the only pair of heels I can dance all night in.




I love the material it has little cutouts and flowery bits :)



Will update later on how the night goes!

XX